"Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To" (murdersofa)
11/22/2014 at 19:50 • Filed to: reviews, chrysler, clouds
4
27|
"Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To" (murdersofa)
11/22/2014 at 19:50 • Filed to: reviews, chrysler, clouds | 4
| 27 |
My friend had access to a 2000 Chrysler Cirrus, and after a drive into town to get Five Guys inside of us I asked if I could drive it. And I did. This particular model had a mere 88,000 miles on it, so I expected good things.
Appearance (5/10):
Not much to be said here. More attractive than the Sebring in my opinion, mostly due to that nice little kink in the C-pillar. Mmm, hoffmeister. Gets points for not being as offensively round as the Sebring/LHS, but it's still a boring blandmobile.
Interior (6/10):
The model I drove was as the picture above: tan leather with black accents. It's actually surprisingly well-screwed-together for a Chrysler product; by far better than my mom's 2005 PT Cruiser GT. Seats were comfortable, though headroom was lacking. Also, there is a LOT of dashboard. Probably four feet from the steering wheel to the glass. All the plastic was typical cheap shit, the vents felt like they were about to fall out of the car.
Performance (5/10):
This car had the 2.4l naturally aspirated I4, basically the non-turbo version of the SRT-4/PT Cruiser GT engine. The throttle was oddly non-linear, with exaggerated travel for the first 20% of the pedal, then after that you got... not much more. Planting your foot resulted in a tortured moan from the engine bay and the car takes off. It's not an event, not stimulating, but it's "adequate". 0-60 took somewhere in the order of 10.6 seconds.
Brakes (3/10):
Holy. Crap. These brakes were terrible. This is probably due to the age of the car, though it has 1/3 the miles of my car which has flawless brakes. Again, the first 30% or so of the pedal travel was 90% of the brake effect, and pushing down more actually seemed to apply *less* pressure to the brakes. A warped rotor added to the fun, and trying to haul down from 60mph was a harrowing experience.
Handling (4/10):
Dear god this thing handles about as well as a damn cloud. It actually makes the LeSabre feel sporty. Again, this might be age and shit tires, but a corner I can take at 65 in the MurderSofa with no complaints or drama results in: tire squealing, a strange shimmy, and the arse wallowing around... at 40mph. In a word: concerning. To my adrenaline-junky passengers: highly arousing.
Audio (2/10):
The engine sounds like shit. The radio is shit. The speakers are made out of dried human skin or something. The only fun to be derived is from wiggling around the joystick that controls which speaker it is biased towards.
Ride (8/10):
Comfy. Almost like a cloud. Soaked up bumps, didn't pogo too much over larger bumps. Overall decent highway cruiser.
Toys (4/10):
You get a radio and cruise control. That's about it. The driver gets electric seats. Everything else in the car is manual.
Room (6/10):
Has five seats, but you're not fitting a third on that rear bench unless it's a Barbie doll. Very typical mid-small sedan. The trunk could swallow five dead bodies, 12 if they were chopped up, and approximately 70 if they were blended into a paste. Curiously, the car smelled like it had been used for that purpose (I was told the previous owner was a kind old lady in her 90s who smoked weed like a goddamn train).
Overall (43/90)
Consensus: It's a car.
PanchoVilleneuve ST
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 19:55 |
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The car for people who are just too good for a Dodge Stratus, which is the car for people who are just too good for a Plymouth Breeze.
ly2v8-Brian
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 19:57 |
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In the Doge Stratus instead of fake wood grain you get fake carbon fibre.
Alex B
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 19:58 |
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Great review! Bravo! The previous owner description cracked me up. Would you ever DD on of these?
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> PanchoVilleneuve ST
11/22/2014 at 19:59 |
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I gotta say, the name "Cloud Car" amuses me immensely and I love that it's a thing.
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> ly2v8-Brian
11/22/2014 at 20:00 |
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I'm actually covering all the fake wood in the MurderSofa with fake carbon fibre, because I found a huge roll on Amazon for $7 shipped and why not. Won't get here 'till mid December though :(
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> Alex B
11/22/2014 at 20:02 |
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Thanks for the kind words!
I might, if it were given to me and I had no choices. It's definitely a livable car; I feel a lot of the shortcomings would be fixed just by regular maintenance, and it would be a BLAST to dump an SRT-4 engine into. Not the biggest fan of the stubby hood, I must say. It would look much better with a slightly longer hood and a higher nose.
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ly2v8-Brian
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 20:03 |
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Why? that wood actually looks good. It actually looks like they used wood veneer.
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> ly2v8-Brian
11/22/2014 at 20:04 |
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I'm pretty "meh" on it. And carbon fiber = because racecar. If I don't like it on the wood I'll probably take it off and put some on that plastic bit around the radio and gauges. Again, because racecar.
Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 20:08 |
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what is the murdersofa?
great review jake.
Tinfoil Hat in a thunderstorm, now with added diecast
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 20:11 |
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"and after a drive into town to get Five Guys inside of us" not knowing what this means I'll just accept your lifestyle choice and move on.
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> Tinfoil Hat in a thunderstorm, now with added diecast
11/22/2014 at 20:16 |
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Work safe.
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
11/22/2014 at 20:17 |
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The MurderSofa is my daily driver/autox car.
fhrblig
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 20:33 |
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Thing is, if you compare it to its predecessor (the Chrysler LeBaron sedan), it's a MAJOR improvement.
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fhrblig
> PanchoVilleneuve ST
11/22/2014 at 20:43 |
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I wish they had named the Plymouth version "Cumulonimbus".
Money Hustard
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 20:47 |
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The speakers are made out of dried human skin or something.
I lol'd.
AMGtech - now with more recalls!
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 21:21 |
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That settles it. I'm now buying every single one of these I can find and storing them in a barn. These are going to be classics.
YellowGoat
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 21:30 |
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My sister drives a 99 Concorde (LXI!) Its a goddamn boat and terrible to drive but its comfortable as hell and has made it to almost 200k with just a new radiator and a few leaks.
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Tinfoil Hat in a thunderstorm, now with added diecast
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 21:38 |
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Ahh! Sounded like you could have been going to a fetish club, not that there's anything wrong with that...
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> Tinfoil Hat in a thunderstorm, now with added diecast
11/22/2014 at 22:44 |
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I saw a place in Vegas that was along those lines...
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Tinfoil Hat in a thunderstorm, now with added diecast
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/22/2014 at 22:45 |
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> YellowGoat
11/22/2014 at 22:46 |
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Similar story with my friend's godawful Sebring convertible. You almost want it to die, but it just refuses.
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> AMGtech - now with more recalls!
11/22/2014 at 22:47 |
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Fill a barn with Cloud cars and call it a thunderstorm.
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Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
> fhrblig
11/22/2014 at 22:52 |
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Yeah, though it could be argued that a major improvement really isn't a huge accomplishment. I could toss some wheels on a Tupperware container and it would probably be an improvement.
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AMGtech - now with more recalls!
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/23/2014 at 00:04 |
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OMG yes!
If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/23/2014 at 00:18 |
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Here's what Tiff Needell has to say about it:
DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/23/2014 at 03:11 |
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My roommate from my freshman year of college drove a green '96 with the V6 and it was a surprisingly decent car. Though, his could have been because it was dealer serviced since new and he took care of it with an almost obsessive level of attention to the mechanicals...
Of course, since he moved to Ann Arbor, he refuses to ever own a car again. I'm not too sure it's unrelated to owning a Cirrus as his first/only car...
NotUnlessRoundIsFunny
> Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
11/23/2014 at 03:39 |
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Slightly off-topic, but the MurderSofa posts are some of my favorites.
This was a good review, too.